I haven't blogged in what seems and feels like forever. I just recently returned from Romania. We spent a powerful week at Camp Eli in Ojasca and saw 28 souls accept Christ as their personal Saviour. Talk about one spiritual high! We saw prayers answered as soon as they were prayed or shortly after. And we saw hearts soften before our very eyes. It was a wonderful week and one that I wish I could relive over and over.
However, I am forced on an airplane by responsibility and commitment to return to a land that I call home by birth. I miss Romania. My heart's desire is in Romania. And were it not for the overwhelming knowledge that God has intended for me to attend Erskine this fall, I would be in Romania. I've often wondered: Shouldn't this love spill over into my every day life no matter where I am placed? But I'm not entirely sure about it anymore. I long with every ounce of my being to be in Romania working with the children, teaching them about God and His awesome love for them. Yet...I am here.
After spending a week away from technology, life, and the problems that come with the package, I am faced with an unsettling set of circumstances. Try being that person; that one person who has a gutt feeling and follows it. The popular vote is YES! and there stand I with a big NO etched on a cardboard sign. I've decided to take a vow of silence. I cannot rejoice when there is nothing within me that desires to rejoice. Judge me, hate me, despise me, and say what you will. I cannot ignore the feelings I have and I will not ignore them. At the same time, I will not voice them. Afterall, one day I will be in Romania. And how I feel now, I really wouldn't mind if I never came back. I have very little life left to offer. Morbid...duh! It's reality. I could go to sleep tonight and never wake again on this earth. It's life! Shall we just face it for a moment as it truly is?
Truth: I will die.
Truth: I don't know when I will die.
Truth: People in Romania die.
Truth: Hundreds possibly thousands died today.
Truth: Jesus is coming back.
Truth: We don't know when He is coming back.
Truth: I have very little life left to give.
Truth: And there are thousands upon millions of children of all ages and adults who die daily without knowing of the Hope of Salvation.
Truth: Whatever I have to give up or surrender...happiness, dreams, hopes...it's all dust in the wind compared to eternity.
I don't want to be here right now. At all. And no one understands this. People keep asking me if I'm home for good. This isn't my HOME! And I don't want to be here for good. I love you! I love you all! I appreciate the prayers and the work God has called you to. But America and it's "dream" is not my calling. Please try and understand this. And just because I feel this way or any way about any particular thing does NOT mean that you are wrong or that I am right. I just know how I feel. And I'd rather be honest about it than to put on a smile just to make someone happy for ten seconds.
Ok...I'm done.
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