The Singleness of ME

Today there are (at least) three couples I know who will be walking an aisle somewhere, perhaps in a church or the great outdoors-God's natural cathedrals- to exchange vows, promise love till death, slip on some rings they'll be paying off for the next five years or so, and say "I do".
I will be perched safe and secure in my singleness on a bench at one of these weddings JUST waiting for someone to nudge me and say, "So...when's it YOUR turn?" To which I may just reply, "When I get pregnant!" Then again, I can't shame my mother like that. So, a smile will play across my face and instead a cliche remark such as When God wills it or Gotta find a guy first! will pour out as sweet as southern iced tea, followed of course by mock laughter.
Has anyone ever really wondered or considered what exactly they are saying "I do" to? Oh! They say that they are fully aware, thanks to all the studies and guidance! They know the responsibilities ahead and the task of laying aside their own selfish desires for the good of another. They say..., but what they are saying "I do" to is not the life they are picturing the moment she enters the aisle while he catches his breath. No.
For you see, even the most beloved of all fairytales has the evil individual plotting to destroy you, the poisonous apples to avoid, the wee folk who crowd at your feet and clamour for you attention, and a possible coma before you read the words "And they lived happily ever after..." with a grandly titled THE END shortly thereafter. If animated movies could be remade, it would be the wisest of choices to simply say, And they lived. This is the "I do" to which you surrender. To live...as one.
As those words escape your mouth, the life you lived up to this point becomes nothing more than a memory and a picture book. You can no longer think as one individual, act as one individual, or even shop as one individual. Now...your every consideration, thought, syntax structure must take into account that your's is not the only heart beating.

I do-such a small sentence that holds such great responsibility that I fear so many people engage with only to avoid the Divine blessing of singleness.

The most hazardous occupation of human life is to Love.

Tomorrow is Sunday

Yesterday I drove to Starbucks in Simpsonville for some Java and a quiet place to read. Michelle and Cathy met up with me there, and we talked and laughed. But amid the laughter and the recounting of our current lives, Cathy came to the realization that I plan on perminently dwelling in Romania one day. I had forgotten that I had never shared my calling with her or Ben (my brother). She pointed out everything I would be leaving behind. I reassured her that, "Trust me, I know, and have battled it for a long time."
It doesn't seem fair to us (at times) that a loving, caring God would grant us so many blessings and then petition that we freely surrender those gifts in exchange for a life void of those things we hold dearest.
I have said goodbye more times than I care to remember.Yet it never grows easy. I still cry and ask why!
These frustrations also spill over into the realm of singledom. Will God ever grant me a mate with whom I can work towards my calling and in the calling of missions coupled with children's ministry? I don't know. It may be one of the many things I have to surrender.
I'm not a very patient person. But God continues to bring situations in my life that require me to wait. So...I am waiting.

And tomorrow is Sunday.

SO TODAY

My last Monday as a Nanny. I've been working in childcare for about five years now. Three of those years have been spent as a Nanny. My job or occupation-whatever you desire to call it- has revolved around making children laugh, kissing boo-boos, creating paper airplanes, fixing broken toys, pretending to be eaten by a shark, and the list grows ever longer.

I sat in the youngest child's room, rocking her cousin to sleep and singing to them both when it hit me. Just two years and some months ago, that was me and the youngest child. Here I sat rocking the 10 month old girl and gazing at the other girl who went from 8 months to 3 years old in a heartbeat. And as I held back the tears I asked myself, "Where did it all go?"

I can remember the first time that 3 year old told me she loved me. I can remember her first steps; when she said my name; when she fell outside and scraped her knee; when she held tightly to my hand afraid to let go; when she pushed me away cause "(I) do it!" Her brother, who started out 2 years old in my daycare class, is now experiencing K-5 for the first time. WOW! He looked like such a little grown man. I can remember the talks we would have at the daycare; talks that eventually evolved to his own room. We'd stretch out on his bed and he would ask all sorts of questions. Where things came from? How does winter work? What's beyond the stars? And beyond that? What if we had legs like horses and instead of hair, blades like on a helicopter? Miss Hannah, how can I become a toothe fairy? Oh my! Such wonderful memories.

And now, NOW I am down to three days. How do you fit in enough hugs and kisses to last you the rest of your life? I have been so blessed by all families that I have worked for and with. Yeah...there were tough days. Days of discipline and NO! You can't do that because....

Another page is turning, my life story isn't ending just continuing. And though it feels like the best of them are coming to an end I can't help but feel extremely priviledged to have been a part of their lives.

I miss you just isn't good enough. Literal translation of "I miss you" from Romanian to English is "Am foste dor de tine." Which means (when translated word for word) "I felt/had pain for you."

It's been a while

I haven't blogged in what seems and feels like forever. I just recently returned from Romania. We spent a powerful week at Camp Eli in Ojasca and saw 28 souls accept Christ as their personal Saviour. Talk about one spiritual high! We saw prayers answered as soon as they were prayed or shortly after. And we saw hearts soften before our very eyes. It was a wonderful week and one that I wish I could relive over and over.

However, I am forced on an airplane by responsibility and commitment to return to a land that I call home by birth. I miss Romania. My heart's desire is in Romania. And were it not for the overwhelming knowledge that God has intended for me to attend Erskine this fall, I would be in Romania. I've often wondered: Shouldn't this love spill over into my every day life no matter where I am placed? But I'm not entirely sure about it anymore. I long with every ounce of my being to be in Romania working with the children, teaching them about God and His awesome love for them. Yet...I am here.

After spending a week away from technology, life, and the problems that come with the package, I am faced with an unsettling set of circumstances. Try being that person; that one person who has a gutt feeling and follows it. The popular vote is YES! and there stand I with a big NO etched on a cardboard sign. I've decided to take a vow of silence. I cannot rejoice when there is nothing within me that desires to rejoice. Judge me, hate me, despise me, and say what you will. I cannot ignore the feelings I have and I will not ignore them. At the same time, I will not voice them. Afterall, one day I will be in Romania. And how I feel now, I really wouldn't mind if I never came back. I have very little life left to offer. Morbid...duh! It's reality. I could go to sleep tonight and never wake again on this earth. It's life! Shall we just face it for a moment as it truly is?

Truth: I will die.

Truth: I don't know when I will die.

Truth: People in Romania die.

Truth: Hundreds possibly thousands died today.

Truth: Jesus is coming back.

Truth: We don't know when He is coming back.

Truth: I have very little life left to give.

Truth: And there are thousands upon millions of children of all ages and adults who die daily without knowing of the Hope of Salvation.

Truth: Whatever I have to give up or surrender...happiness, dreams, hopes...it's all dust in the wind compared to eternity.

I don't want to be here right now. At all. And no one understands this. People keep asking me if I'm home for good. This isn't my HOME! And I don't want to be here for good. I love you! I love you all! I appreciate the prayers and the work God has called you to. But America and it's "dream" is not my calling. Please try and understand this. And just because I feel this way or any way about any particular thing does NOT mean that you are wrong or that I am right. I just know how I feel. And I'd rather be honest about it than to put on a smile just to make someone happy for ten seconds.

Ok...I'm done.

"Who Said What?"

So, HAPPY (belated) FOURTH OF JULY!!!!

Wow...so many things have happened, leading up to this day. First off, it was weird having the 4th fall directly on a Sunday, but this had little to no affect on the festivities. It kind of added to them. Service was wonderful and the singing was amazing-ahem, if I may say so myself. lol

The Pastor began to announce prayer for Gwendolyn Collins because she was leaving, when my sister corrected him with a loud, "I'm not going anywhere." haha People confuse us. I know, right? Baffles us as well. So, he managed to correct that it was I and not my sister going to Romania, but failed to let people know that I am, in fact, coming BACK. For now.

Mama slaved in the kitchen, Daddy grilled out with the boys help, and Cathy finally made it over looking beautiful as ever. AND we were all occupied keeping our baby Isabel entertained. It's so hard to understand how one small, tiny person can change so much. She's my joy. I see her and I smile. I want to spend every waking moment with her, and what I have pales in comparison to value or worth when around her. My phone is just a phone (usually used for her entertaining) and there's nothing she can't do. :) It's craziness.

We eventually made our way outside for some badmitton and Isabel's first pool party experience. haha She was the only one with the pool. And to our delight, she made the greatest facial expression YET! lol And yes, we were all hovered around taking loads of pictures. ;)

Michelle came over just as we were wrapping up the last of our failed attempt at a simple sport. haha She got to see Isabel and then amongst the chatter, she reminded us about last year's fourth of July. The BEST EVER! haha

Which brought up the game we had invented on that momentous occasion. So out came the phones, and the games re-began. lol It will never be quite like the first gaming experience, but it was highly entertaining. We laughed so hard. And then somehow, in the midst of all this, I ended up texting some random guy. lol I seriously doubt anything could ever come of this, but I'm also a firm believer that God has a purpose and a reason to every action and reaction, even if done in stupidity. It will be interesting to see where this leads to if anything. haha

As of today, I have the day off and am about to make my shopping list and tackle the stores and packing for Romania. I am excited!!! Can't wait!!!

Maybe He Saw Something He Didn't Like

There is this Giant. Yes, a real Giant! And then there is me- the screw up.

Once upon a three weeks or so ago, this Giant wanted to meet the screw-up. But the screw-up screwed up. She, out of fear, chose to stay with her previous plans for the evening. The Giant said he would use the magical world of Facebook to look up this screw-up and get in touch with her. But there never came a message or a friend request.

So, the screw-up went up to the workplace of the Giant. He was there. She knew it, but I don't think He knew. And then this screw-up realized how much she had screwed up. She felt so small compared to his stature; even somewhat insignificant.

And then a thought crossed my mind. "Maybe he did look me up on facebook. Maybe...He didn't quite like what he saw."

I never spoke to him. I was too scared. And now I wish I could meet him, be introduced, and maybe even be friends. But I'm afraid that chance has been lost.

And I watched as they slowly lined up before mine eyes

As a gift or a gag (I've yet to decide which) I was given a 4 square rubik's cube. You should know that the individual who bestowed such a gift was the same who at one time handed me his rubik's cube and laughed as I became so entangled in colors, I felt that I had dropped into a Seuss book!

It was a sweet gesture, but I wasn't about to take on such a challenge. It would sit on my shelf all nice and pretty and pleasently matching on all sides. Until, that is, last night. Stephen walked in with a rubik's cube and was nice enough to explain to me the concept, his techniques, and any "known" theories there might be to solving the riddled color cube. He was ever patient in showing me and I have to admit: I was awstruck by his skill, wishing it weren't so impossible a feat (for such a person as myself) to accomplish. Happiness was unavoidable. He solved it, I watched and marveled, but would not feign success acheivable.

As I walked into my room, tip-toeing as to not wake the other occupants of the house, I paused breifly to glance at the obstacle at hand. And why? After all, it was to sit there pretty and pleasantly matching on all sides til death did us part. I paused, because that evening someone said that success was attainable. And I believed him. Glancing at the cube, fearing failure, I found myself placing it safely in the side pocket of my handbag. Sleep. Morning. It came and a bit too fast.

Skipping the daily events that have no meaning whatsoever for this post....

Ah! The Library! It was science day at the Library. A scientist had come to experiment with Fire and Ice. Lovely things! :)

Afterwards, Perry and I went book hunting. I reached into my side pocket and felt the cube. I pulled it out. "What's that?" Perry asked. "Oh...it's a...um...cube. And it has different colors. You have to match them up right." Perry looked at it and said, "But they're not messed up." I said, "No, you're right. They aren't." He asked if he could see it and I said, "Sure!" Knowing full well the chances I was taking. But it was perfect! Perry would mess up the cube and then I'd have no excuse not to try. Right?

Well, I wish this were how the story unfolds. But NO! Perry handed it back and simply stated, "It's pretty." I agreed. "But you didn't do it," he stated simply. And I watched as the five year old went back to looking at random books. He can't quite read and his writing is improving. But one thing I love and also abhor in the same instance is when God uses a child to teach a life lesson to an adult who is suposed to know more than the said child. No, it wasn't my accomplishment and never would be. It was perfect and pretty and MATCHING! It was all in the order it was supposed to be. "Perfection is ugly!" as stated by my friend, Edwin Godfrey.

So, I drew in a defiant breath and began twisting and turning the cube, mixing and unmatching every perfect little square. I made a mess of that cube!

Scared? Try PETRIFIABLY TERRIFIED! (have no clue if that is a word, but I like it). I didn't try to solve it until I was on my way home. I twisted and turned without rhythm, rhyme, or purpose. I was just twisting and turning. Finally, I arrived home and planted the cube on the fire mantle. I would never figure that cube out. I would never get it right. It would never be beautifully matched again. Not in my hands at least.

So mid-planning for Romania, I began texting Stephen. I offered him the entertainment of my 4 square rubik's cube. He asked if I was fed up with it. I lied. Yes, I was occupied with plans but I used it as an excuse. I wanted the cube gone because it was a constant reminder of my inadequacy and failure. Place it in the hands of the capable and I would never have to go beyond my comfort zone, working to figure the object out.

And then, I picked it up. "It will look wrong, but it's right." "You can do it. Might take a while...but it can be done." "Don't worry about it." And so many more comments from the night before flooded my mind. Yes, Stephen...your words were haunting me.

Then I remembered a truth- I CAN DO ALL THINGS....even a rubik's cube....THROUGH CHRIST!

And as I typed plans for camp, texted Stephen, and made side notes with my fine point sharpie, I began to twist and turn the rubik's cube. Color by color, I watched as they slowly lined up before mine eyes making the cube once again pretty and pleasantly matching.

Unbelief followed by overwhelming Joy and a sense to spread the news: I SOLVED A RUBIK'S CUBE!!! swelled within me.

But God instantly turned that small yet challenging form of entertainment into a life lesson. My life is like that rubix cube. I'm not perfect and that's ok. Because God is twisting and turning and slowly shaping me. One day those colors will line up!!! What a beautiful sight it will be! And what an overwhelming feeling.